Federal law prohibits the 'feng shui jam factor' from being under five out of ten on the electromagnetic spectrometer thingy.
The surprise visit by undercover feng shui police to the Scientific Blogging wing of the ION offices resulted in their grading the violation as an obvious science 2.0. Fearless leader of the science media revolution Hank Campbell is under investigation for his role in significantly lowering the feng shui standard.
Campbell admitted that he knew that the feng shui was “a little off in the office,” but added that he was unaware of the severity, primarily due to a large chair positioned in the wrong place and also directionaly blocking part of his office window.
Also found in Campbell’s office was a Scientific Blogging coffee mug halfway full of artificial cappuccino mixed with a white powder that tested positive for sucrose, glucose and fructose, “an enigma for such an already synthetic coffee oriented mix,” officials said.
Staff reporters Mathew Brown and Audrey Amara share an office two doors down from Campbell’s and it was labelled by another source in the building as a “feng shui disaster.” This office, or 'the second debacle' as it was listed in the citation, was linked to what officials call “bad organization of office furniture.”
Amara, who claims to have discovered the secret to office oriented posture, said that in order to attain a high level of comfort it is necessary to loosen the knob on the office chair for exactly 30 turns.
“I believe everyone at Scientific Blogging should get some credit for the achievement of a high level of posture and comfort," she said. Amara also credits her rainforest mouse pad as added feng shui and said positive thinking it the way to go.
Brown, who was in the middle of a recorded interview during the raid and refused to stop until he was handcuffed, explained the situation. “We were trying to accommodate the printer and balance the equilibrium of the synergy in the room, much like in a row boat,” said Brown who appears to have the strong heartbeat of a rower.
After Brown was apprehended by blunt force, officials injected him with pure hydrogenated oil, citing probable cause in that he might have had valuable information regarding the charges.
Though he is still under investigation, he did tell officials that he was unaware that his office was such a debacle adding that he is willing to do whatever it takes, including 52 week intensive feng shui courses, to clear his record.
Something of interest found in Brown’s desk were thousands of tiny, green, salted soybeans officials linked to Trader Joe's, which is a nearby health food store.
In the desk belonging to Amara, directly in front of Brown, over 50 tea bags and loose papers with a multifarious mass of words were confiscated and sent to forensics for further testing. Lacking explanation was why Amara has been squirrelling away 'choco' packets that only work in a Flavia coffee machine; a machine which does not exist in the office.
One official could not contain his shock at the extent of the bad feng shui. “Unbelievable!” he said, as other officials tried to find a ringer mute for Amara's phone, which was ringing for well beyond the feng shui allotted phone ring standard time.
In a separate statement Amara said the explanation for this was a perfectly normal one in which “I was simply testing the claim that individuals can actually see sound.” Amara also advised officials to blow away some stress with the use of cigars. “Cubans are most recommended.”
Erik Dobecky, the community's computer expert, is nicknamed Technorati Maserati and has an office next to Campbell’s. Dobecky was said to have violated the fewest feng shui standards but is under surveillance for his background as a U.C. Davis student. “True the school is a good one, but with so much research going on there one can never be too innocent in what he or she knows,” one official said.
A variety of soda cans were found in Dobecky’s office, though officials were not able to disclose the brand for identity protection purposes. One official, who said that he has had a problem keeping secrets ever since he was a child, gave one clue: “The word ‘ONE’ was on the can.”
No uncaffeinated beverages were among the wreckage.
Campbell couldn’t hide his surprise that so many missing sodas were found in Dobecky's garbage.
“So that’s why the refrigerator is so empty,” he said. "I was certain I kept adding new sodas yet when I would go to get one, they were always gone."
Campbell also revealed plans to replace the refrigerator with a microwave oven in order to cultivate more of a laboratory environment and add some science oriented feng shui.
In a statement Dobecky titled “Href Url Img Www,” he revealed his plans to move to Baltimore. “This move will be one more step in my hunt for feng shui perfection,” Dobecky said that the humidity will make for a more flexible mind, “one that sees beyond the normal href, like what sauna does for the skin.”
A hearing is set for the 13th of October, which is also the anniversary of the first time Hazelnut and French Vanilla flavored mini-creamers were accidentally mixed, something from which the industry has never recovered.
Campbell said that he is not concerned about being cleared of the charges, since Zen meditation really does clear the mind, and added “if scientists are really on the verge of finding Earth’s twin, then I think we have a lot more things to worry about than our feng shui, like whether or not Mayans are going to come out of black holes in 2012 armed with strangelet-powered ray guns."
It's great to see a picture of the whole crew!
Mike