Cash
S

Sometimes people think that, because I write this column for peanuts, I am somehow available for free science consulting services. Obviously this is not the case but I don't mind the occasional question, especially if it concerns real puzzles like how a car in China doesn't cause global warming but a car in America does.

Lately I have been pestered with questions about this whole Christmas thing. It's a troublesome issue, I agree, but I am not in the free science business so most of the questions I just ignore - however, one of the many,many,many (not that many - Lady Scientist ) groupies that flitter about me on the internet caught my attention recently with their query about Yule physics because they had the creativity to put it in seasonal rhyming form;

"Cash, you are my final chance
Of finding the Christmas happenstance
For I have read of Old St. Nick
So I have to know, what makes him tick.

"Does he travel the world and make kids glad?
'cause the science is shaky, the physics is bad
And tell me, oh guru, before you are through
How a sleigh can fly and those eight reindeer too?"

I agree about the baffling nature of Christmas from a physics perspective. If you're a Newtonian guy it not only lacks common sense, it is the kind of logical leap-of-faith slag heap only politicians make. But a puzzle is a puzzle and I wouldn't be the internet's pre-eminent anonymous scientist if I didn't tackle the tough problems once in a while. So I have decided to give it a try. The results surprised even me.

Of course I am not just an outrageously sexy scientist, I also have a creative side. Thus, I decided to honor the spirit of the season by answering in similar rhyming verse:

You came to Cash, guru of physics
Who writes sexy equations and confounds all his critics
(Pretty good? Never fear, this part of my verse
May start out okay, but it gets a lot worse.)

I consulted my sources, to make this is a cinch
Like The Year Without Santaand that show with the Grinch
Yukon Corneliusand the one with great Ak
Soon let me know I was on the right track

I learned of Snow Miser and Chuck-In-The-Box
and found it's not just distance but logistics and clocks
If we go east to west, we have 31 hours
And that doesn't require any magical powers

Weight is a problem, now and days past
and heat builds up plenty when toys travel fast
You see, millions of toys bring on all kinds of joules
To get Santa to work you must throw out the rules

So let's look at the atom and all that free space
It will help us decide how to win the big race
Think of atoms like apples, but we just need the stem
Maybe C squared's no problem when you're E without M.

So "Santa's" aren't people, they're energy terms
They use quantum mechanics and holes made of worms
With such arcane science and theories of strings
It's easy for Christmas and lots of nice things.

Thanks to quantum mechanics, tons weigh only an ounce
It explains flying reindeer and Bumbles that bounce
But time's still a problem and Santa's must choose
So forget about Muslims, Hindus and Jews



Sure, they can't get presents, a wreath or a tree
But they can go to a movie, like The Santa Clause III
Meanwhile our Santa can be on his way
With all of those stops there's no time to delay

So using the magic of science fiction math
He has a little more time and can choose the best path
Hauling thousands of tons he sets on his course
Generating 10,000 times my centripetal force

And the joules are no problem,with the math we have reckoned
Though you and I would keel over in just half a second
Santa math is no problem, it should bug you no more
No one else could have solved it – well, maybe Al Gore

Kids will be happy, our homes full of cheer
So look out for St. Nick and his flying reindeer
Even coke-addled models have stuff for their tree
Like a grape and some Pradaand perhaps even me

Christmas isn’t just physics or even great toys
It’s a lesson in giving for all girls and boys
The lesson is easy though less simple for some
Be nice to each other and good things will sure come

So whether you're Christian or Hindu
Muslim or Jew
This girl got what she deserves
And I hope you do too: