This one makes me sad. Sad, not in the "your incompetent/faked research inspires people to let their kids die of preventable diseases" way, but in the "I can never look at my favorite breakfast cereal in the same way again"* way.
A clinical study showed kids who had a filling breakfast of KELLOGG'S®FROSTED MINI-WHEATS® cereal had better attentiveness compared to kids who missed out on breakfast.
-The Frosted Mini-Wheats website waxing all "sciencey"
Turns out (shock, surprise, wonderment) that 8-12 year olds, who have been not eaten since the night before and then starved for three more hours, are less attentive than fed 8-12 year olds. Awesome, let us craft an entire product site devoted to this result complete with a dancing shredded wheat biscuit.
Frosted Mini-Wheats®. . .helps keep 'em
full and focused.
You know what would be great? If there was some research showing that specific foods, like, you know, Frosted Mini-Wheats, are more helpful than other foods. Otherwise, well I could get the same effect by feeding The Frogger** (in 7-11 years) non-Kellog's products. Wait, you say, there is research showing that different food types have different effects on focus:
More recently, research has shown that the type of food consumed at breakfast may play a role in memory and attention tasks.
-from the two links deep study "details" (in a fit of circularity the "more information" link under footnote #1 just takes you back to the Frosted Mini-Wheats main page from whence one navigates to the study details, ostensibly in the pursuit of more information)
Obviously, you have been reading your Kellog's web sites. Unfortunately, none of these most recent researches examined Frosted Mini-Wheats directly, and the much touted clinical study tests Frosted Mini-Wheats, not against other foods, but only water (not even that magitastic Fiji water). It's cool. Advertisers can do a lot with carefully worded language, although a DSHEA disclaimer might be in order:
These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
Kellog's, drawing on the successful Baby Einstein model (not to be confused with actual Einstein models, which disapprove of spooky action at a distance), is using the unsurprising results of a bland study to prey on the good intentions of parents. If you love your children and want them to do well at
school, you will feed them Frosted Mini-Wheats. Come on, Kellog's, if you are going the soulless route, go all the way:
Do you hate your kids? No? Then why aren't you feeding them Kellog's Frosted Mini-Wheats, you soulless bastards.
*Emotionally similar to the realization that you can't still be friends with the friend you drunkenly hooked up with the night before in college, regardless of what you said before, during, and after said hooking up.
**Rugbyologist F1 Generation
