JOSEPH PACHOREK, MD
Internal medicine doctor by day, shill for Alteril: All Natural Sleep Aid by night.  He got on my bad side by showing up during Mythbusters commercial breaks.   Nothing irritates me like bad marinara sauce and wedging pseudoscientific logical fallacies in between segments of explosions in the name of science education.

Can't get to sleep?  Can't stay asleep?  Have low quality sleep?  Maybe Alteril is right for you. Why should you use Alteril?

1. Joseph Pachorek is a MEDICAL DOCTOR


2. Diphenhydramine is a scary word and an antihistamine, like those is cold medications


3. It contains PROVEN sleep aids L-tryptophan, melatonin, and valerian


4. It is all natural and has no side effects

Survey says:

1. Joseph Pachorek is a medical doctor, but not one with any documented medical research experience


2. Diphenhydramine is Benadryl.  It is an antihistamine, but has clinically proven sedative effects.


3. There is only weak evidence for the effectiveness of all three compounds in normal individuals (you are normal if you are not taking a prescription sleep medication)


4. No side effects would suggest that concentrations of melatonin and valerian (both have known, if rare, side effects) are below effective doses.  Melatonin derived from animal sources (i.e., natural) carries a risk of virus transmission.  Synthetic melatonin is safer, but you can't have it both ways Joe.

Pachorek relies on his authority as a medical doctor and the assumption that most customers have enough time around medical school to learn that doctor's can be as full of crap as the rest of us.  Alteril is marketed as a dietary supplement, which means that there has been no clinical tests to demonstrate safety or effectiveness. 

Even worse, it smells like a scam.  It is a bad sign when you Google a product and the first few hits are complaint pages of consumer advocacy groups.  Pachorek and Alteril try very hard to get you to order a free, one-week sample ("just the cost of a - by which we mean 2.15 stamps - postage stamp").  According to customer complaints, the 7-day trial begins when one places the order (please allow 5 business days for shipping).  Canceling is tremendously difficult.  All this leads to a ~$36 charge for the next, not-so-free batch of Alteril.  Oh yeah, I can't buy Alteril at my Walgreens.  Makes one wonder if the profit is in the "high-quality" product or in the mail-ordering scheme.  

TIP: It is a bad sign when you have to give your credit card information in order to get a free sample.

Actually, this seems like a pretty sweet gig.  Maybe I should try my hand at scaring you into buying the products of my corporate masters:

Hi, my name is Josh Witten.  I'm a PhD student with some awareness of clinical testing to determine whether a product is effective.  Some over-the-counter sleep-aids contain L-tryptophan, an aromatic, hydrophobic amino acid found in all birds that carry deadly bird flu.  They may also contain melatonin, a hormone that can change your circadian rhythm.  And, they could also contain Valeriana officalis extract, a tranquilizer that can cause apathy, mental dullness, and night terrors.  If you are worried about using L-tryptophan, melatonin, and Variana officalis extract to help you sleep, allow me to suggest* using a product containing a high quality, Food&Drug Administration approved compound, like Benadryl**.

How'd I do?  Maybe Johnson&Johnson will throw some cash at me to troll the late night airwaves for the unsuspecting insomniacs.

Dr. Pachorek, I hope Biotab Nutraceuticals (manufacturer of Alteril and Extenze, male enhancement product) paid you well for your soul.

*Obviously, I am not a doctor, nor am I pretending to be one, not even an ethically compromised one.  Please, do not follow any medical advice from me.  My own body is a wreck.