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How To Annoy An Astronomer
By Alex Antunes | June 9th 2009 11:51 AM | 4 comments | Print | E-mail | Track Comments
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About Alex Antunes

In "The Sky By Day", Dr. Alex Antunes serves twice-weekly slices of life from the sometimes strange, sometimes oddly normal workday of a NASA astrophysicist. Readers get the inside scoop on what... Full Bio

At parties, some people are intimidated when I say I'm an astronomer (or, worse, astrophysicist).  They assume I'm a haughty ivory tower genius who laughs at little people like them.  It's so hard to reassure them that, no, I don't laugh, I merely chuckle.  But I do feel it's my duty to help make life easier for the non-astrophysicists out there.

So, say you're at a party and you meet a famous astronomer.  It doesn't matter which one, we're all famous (or at least published).  Here are 6 things not to say.
  1. I'm an Aquarius, can you tell me my future?
  2. I'm angry because Pluto isn't a planet anymore!
  3. What will happen in 2012 when the Earth, sun and the center of our galaxy line up?
  4. How old am I in light years?
  5. I bought a star from the star registry, did you learn its name yet?
  6. Why do planetary nebula have absolutely nothing to do with planets?

Okay, I'll admit I'd welcome that last one. It bugs me too.

Alex, the daytime astronomer

The Daytime Astronomer, Tues&Fri here, via RSS feed, and twitter @skyday

p.s. The answer for #3 is: winter solstice, same as every year this line-up
happens.  Twenty bonus points to readers for suggesting good,
non-offending answers for the rest of them.





 an S. Harris astronomy cartoon
 An S. Harris astronomy cartoon, from www.sciencecartoonsplus.com

Comments

1. I'm an Aquarius. Can you tell me my future?
Serious Answer - You enjoy the company of others and will soon come into a sum of money.
Other Answer - If you're the sort of person who believes the position of the stars at your birth can have influence your life then for you randomness probably is an improvement.
2. I'm angry because Pluto isn't a planet anymore.
Serious Answer - Yeah, me too. But what can a guy do?
Other Answer - Who?
4. How old am I in light years?
Serious Answer - Did you know there are 3.26 par-secs per light year?
Other Answer - I'd have to check my star charts, but in light years you're probably an Alpha Centauri.
5. I bought a star from the star registry. Did you learn it's name yet?
Serious Answer - I didn't know you could do that. Do you think they'd name one after me?
Other Answer - I know most of them. Point to it and I'll give it a shot.
6. Why do planetary nebula have absolutely nothing to do with planets?
Serious answer - The first of these nebula anybody noticed looked little and round and greenish like the planet Uranus. And the guy who wrote about it first wasn't a very creative guy. He named his son John and his daughter Mary. Somebody should have checked.
Other Answer - The word "planet" derives from the greek "asters planetai" or "wandering star" while "nebula" derives from the latin word for "cloud". So...wandering star cloud...not too shabby.
p.

peter (not verified) | 06/09/09 | 17:23 PM
antunes's picture
5. I bought a star from the star registry. Did you learn it's name yet?
Serious Answer - I didn't know you could do that. Do you think they'd name one after me?


Yikes, warning flag.  For those who don't know of the scam, there are several outfits that claim to produce an official registry of stars, and you can name any 'unnamed one', and it'll be bound into their 'official star guide' and made available to everyone so someday, people may point to a star and say "look, that one's called Aunt Thelma!  And she only paid $49.95 for the privilege!"  At least the more ethical of them make it clear it's a novelty, others really play up the "it's real, really it is" deceit.

So yeah, there are people that will name a star after you, in return for cash.  There's an outfit that will sell you a deed to land on the moon.  And anyone can play Carnegie Hall, as long as you cough up cash, but at least at Carnegie Hall, you'll quickly learn whether it was a good idea or not.

Other Answer - I'd have to check my star charts, but in light years you're probably an Alpha Centauri.


I like this, I may steal this as the snarky answer for the astrology question.

(oh, and my inner pedantic nature wishes to remind it's 3.26 LY/parsec, not the other way around.)




Alex Antunes | 06/09/09 | 17:39 PM
oops...typing too fast and reversed the light years to par-secs. And yes, I'm well aware of the star registry scam. the idea was for you (or whomever) to offer a reply of mock incredulity. All the answers were intended to be neither serious nor appropriate. The point being...there are such things as stupid questions and sometimes the correct way to handle it is not to answer the question that was asked, but rather answer the question you would like for them to have asked...like the white house press secretary does. When the question doesn't matter, neither does the answer. But if you learn to give all your answers with a straight face in an even and serious tone of voice you will begin looking forward to what heretofore were "annoying questions." And if someone should point out to you your "error" all you have to do is look at them and say, "Well, son-of-a-bitch"...with feeling.
p.

peter (not verified) | 06/09/09 | 18:31 PM
Hank's picture
oops...typing too fast and reversed the light years to par-secs. 

Oops.  Dang, and I was just using that new data to recalculate how long it took me to make that Kessel Run.

Hank Campbell | 06/09/09 | 18:49 PM

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